Last Day of Preschool: Tanner

Tanners first year of preschool came to an end. But not to worry since he has a fall birthday he still has 2 more wonderful years of preschool ahead of him.  I can't believe how much he's changed since that first day!  His speech alone has just blossomed which has helped his personality and creativity just soar.  

For preschool this year he has been going over to a ward members house and the class was specifically designed for 2 1/2 year olds.  It was more nursery rhymes and sensory play vs. the ABC's (which he'll obviously be learning in the upcoming years).  I loved it! Ms Heather is a wonder woman and teaching little children was definitely her calling in this life.  Tanner loved going to preschool and being with his friends, but he especially loved Ms. Heather.  Its a good thing he'll still see her next year.

Tanner on his last day of school

Look how much difference a year of school makes.  Here's Tanner's picture on his first day of school.

Here are some cute pictures of Tanner and his friends at preschool

Good News Update

I got a call from my doctors office today informing me that the test results from my lymph nodes came back and all 25 of them came back clean!

So now I am just waiting for my fluids to drain and when the fluid numbers are low enough (which they are getting close!)  I'll be able to remove my drain! Then I will have my CT scan and MRI on June 16 to see if the cancer has spread to other parts of my body and then the following day I'll meet with a medical oncologist.

So things are looking good and I can almost see the light at the end of this cancer tunnel.

My sweetheart

Everyone asks how the boys are handling this, and they are doing amazing!  On Saturday they played all day together without electronics and without saying they were bored.  It was the biggest blessing and made my heart happy to hear them giggle all day.  I think its been the easiest on Carson since he's in school all day, whereas Tanner has been the one who's been at friends houses while I've had doctors appointments and my first surgery.  Its affected him the most.  As hard as you try to keep things as normal as possible for them, they still seem to know.  Kids always know, and lately he does not want to go anywhere unless I'm going.  He doesn't want to play with friends he just wants to stay home with his momma.  He'll lay next to me and ask me why I'm so tired and when I'll get feeling better.  He's been my little comforter.

A couple weeks ago (the week I found out the cancer had spread) Tanner had his playgroup and after a half hour of being there I got a call from the mom hosting saying that Tanner was just crying and laying on the couch not wanting to do anything.  This was not like him.  Tanner loves playing with other kids, so I told the mom that I'd be over shortly to pick him up.  When I arrived the mom told me she had a hard time understanding what was wrong, at first she said he told her he was sick, but then she said that Tanner told her that his mommy was sick and just wants her to get better.  My heart broke.  As I went into the room I saw Tanner laying on the couch whimpering.  When he saw me he got excited at first and then burst into tears.  I picked him up and held him in my arms.  When I asked him why he was sad he told me he just wanted to give me hugs and kisses.  I gave him a giant hug as we both cried.  So for a pick me up we went to Target where I let him pick out a toy and then all was right with the world.

Surgery number 2

On Monday, May 18, I went into the hospital to have my second surgery.  They removed all the lymph nodes under my left arm.  I arrived at 5:30 am and was thankful that my mom was here to be there with kids.  The surgery went smoothly and lasted about 2 hours.  This time around I was required to spend the night.  That day Brad brought my mom in to see me while the kids played at a friends house.  It was  nice having company, it gets boring at the hospital and with the medicine I was on I couldn't really read or watch TV without getting dizzy. 

The doctor mentioned to Brad that in other places this is an outpatient procedure and not sure why our hospital makes you spend the night, but I'm so glad they did!  I was in so much pain that first night.  The medicine I was on wasn't strong enough and they could only give it to me every 6 hours, so they were having to give me morphine every two hours to help with the pain, until the doctor approved a higher dose.   

Its been 2 years since I've been able to sleep a whole night uninterrupted.  With being pregnant and baby Logan who still gets up twice a night to nurse, I was really hoping to get a goods nights rest, but that wasn't the case.  Its hard to sleep at a hospital.

The food there was gross too.  Not like the hospital that I had Logan at.  Now that was good hospital food.

It has now been 4 days since my surgery and I'm recovering well.  The first day was the hardest.  I was extremely dizzy and nauseous.  Now I'm tired, in a little pain mostly in the morning and at night, and I still get easily lightheaded.  

This is my catheter.  It is surgically attached to me and I will wear this for about 3-4 weeks.  Each night and morning we drain it out.  Brad and my mom have to do this as I can't do it by myself.  They're troopers.

 People have wanted to know what the side effects are for removing all my lymph nodes will be:

• My left arm will swell up easily.  I will need to get a compression sock to help with that.
• Lymph nodes carry white blood cells and so if I get a cut on my arm I'm more prone to infections.  So I will need to call the doctor right away to get antibiotics if I get a cut.
• I have permanent nerve damage.  There's a nerve by the lymph nodes and there is no way to avoid it during surgery so I no longer have feeling on the back of my arm.  I've also noticed that my arm falls asleep super easily and I'm not sure if thats temporary or something that I'll always have. 

I will go back to the doctors in a few weeks for my body scan to see if the cancer has spread elsewhere in my body.  I should also be getting the results of my lymph nodes next week to see if any others have cancer.

After my first surgery I never felt comforted in knowing that everything was going to be alright.  Its not that I knew my cancer had spread, I just didn't feel at peace.  Although my journey is not over, I feel that this surgery will be the end, and I'm much more at peace in knowing that everything will be alright.

Thank you all so much for your love and support.  I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for!

Spring Soccer

This spring we had both boys in soccer!  It kept our Saturdays busy, but we enjoyed watching the boys play and the boys had fun playing!

Carson's team was the purple tigers

He was so excited to receive a medal!

and it was finally Carson's turn to be on the sidelines cheering Tanner on.

By the end of the season, both boys improved so much.  We sure love cheering them on!

He was so excited to get his trophy!

 He also got the most improved player award!

Mothers Day

This Mothers Day was an especially special one for me.  I am forever grateful for these boys of mine.  All I've ever wanted to be was a mother and it has exceeded my expectations.  I have loved being their mother more than anything.

Having a life threatening disease really opens yours eyes.  All that matters to me is my family.  I want them to always know how much I love them.  That I'll do anything for them.  That they can count on me for anything.  That no matter what I'll be there for them through thick and thin always by their side. For no matter what happens they are forever mine.

So this mothers day I may have been a little more emotional, but it is because I am thankful that these boys of mine can still call me mom when I know others can't.

I love this quote from Elder Ballard:

"There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood."

Now I better go, because I have a 3 year old asking me to play batman.

Logan: 10 Months

This happy little mamma's boy has my heart.  He is so cheerful and lovable.

Yesterday while I put him down for a nap he reached his arms out to me and said "mama".  I think my heart just burst.  I'm considering that his first word.  

Every now and then when he uses me to stand he will let go and stand by himself.  Then he realizes what he just did and immediately grabs me.  He constantly has to be moving.  He does not like to sit still.  He still loves taking baths, but what he loves even more is taking baths with his brothers.  He just adores his brothers and I love seeing all three of them laughing and playing.  Nothing is sweeter.

He loves playing batman with Tanner, being tickled by Carson, and wrestling with dad.  He also has started doing the hand to hand game with clothes.  He likes to play the drums and unload the silverware from the dishwasher.

He also finally learned to climb the stairs, and will now follow his brothers wherever they go.

When I'm feeling down I just hold this little guy or watch my 3 boys play and I immediately feel better.  

Melanoma Awareness Month

After my first surgery my mom and sisters thought it would be nice to send me flowers in the color of the melanoma ribbon.  That is until they learned it was black.  Not the most uplifiting color choice for cancer or flowers for that matter.  :)

May is Melanoma Awareness month.  I don't know whether to find that ironic or appropriate since this month I learned that my melanoma cancer did indeed spread to my lymph nodes.

I received my news on Monday and today I met with my oncologist to discuss where to go from here.   My doctor was extremely positive.  She said that the cancer they found was so minuscule that it wouldn't have been detected unless they did that extensive pathology.  She said that due to its size she does not think it had spread to other organs yet.  However just one cancer cell can multiply and so she highly recommended that I have all the lymph nodes under my left arm removed (between 30-40 nodes!) to clean that area of any trace of cancer.

I have stage 3Ta melanoma cancer for all my medical savvy friends.

I go in for surgery May 18.  I will need to spend the night this time and have a drainage under my arm for 3-4 weeks.  She made the comment "ya know how bad your underarm swelled up with removing just 3 nodes?  Imagine what it could do if you remove 30!"  So that won't be fun, but it definitely beats the alternative.

After the surgery I will go in every 4 months for the next 5 years for body scans and/or ultrasounds to make sure the cancer hasn't come back or spread.

At the end of meeting with my doctor she said very melancholy that she now had to go tell another 30 year old who was scheduled for surgery, that her cancer has spread and that she is now inoperable (the patient had sarcoma a more rare form of cancer).  A few minutes later I heard the most heart wrenching wale coming from the room next door along with her crying, "I'm dying!"  I burst into tears.  I don't think I've ever heard anything so horrible and sad in my entire life.  I saw her in the waiting room (she was easy to pick out due to the fact that everyone else in the waiting room was over 80).  She had her daughter with her who was about 4 or 5 years old along with her young husband.  I can't talk about it without crying.  I will never forget her cries.