My not so fun Halloween Scare

 Earlier in October I got a call with my test results from a mole my dermatologist recently removed.  It was pre-cancerous.  I was a little surprised and a little frightened.  I haven't heard the word cancer coming from my doctors in a long time. 

I get at least one or two moles removed with each dermatology visit since my Melanoma, and they always turn out fine.  At the appointment I was surprised when my dermatologist recommend to remove it because she thought it looked suspicious. I didn't see anything suspicious about it!  I guess thats why I consistently need to go to my dermatologists.  They catch the things I don't.  To me it just looked like a regular sun spot, but my dermatologist wanted to remove it because it was almost on top of two other ones.

Being pre-cancerous they needed to make sure that they got all of the potentially cancerous cells out and so I had to have a small surgical procedure to remove more skin around that area.

The doctor who performed my surgery was really good, he likes to listen to music as he works, and spoke to me the entire time to calm me.  The negative was that there was nothing to shield me.  So if I wanted to I could see the whole procedure, which I didn't, so I looked across the room at Brad.  However looking at him wasn't helpful either as his face said it all!  Especially when he said "is that fat?" to the doctor with a disgusted face.  Luckily the surgery only lasted about a half hour, but I felt every tug and pull as he stitched me up.  And I had this cool new look just in time for Halloween.  Although this was not the kind of Halloween scares that are fun.  I now have a lovely new scar on my right arm to go along with my melanoma scars on my left arm.  Apparently I only get cancer on my arms!

I'm so thankful that they caught this in its earliest stages!  So very very thankful, however this little episode was very triggering and brought back a lot of emotions from 3 years ago.  I'll admit it was a little PTSD.  Even though my cancer fight was 3 years ago I was reminded that this is always going to be something I'm going to have to worry about.

The day after my surgery I actually had my semi annual CT/MRI. So Thursday surgery, Friday my scans, and Monday my appointment with my oncologist. It was a fun filled weekend!  

I see the same radiologist every time so he knows me (as much as one can in those circumstances) and before my CT scan he saw the bandage on my arm and asked what happened.  I told him they found more cancer and they had to get it out.  "But you've been clear for years!" he said.  "I know".  After the scan he escorted me back to my room and very melancholy said "I hope that everything on your scans are ok". He's never said anything like that to me before, so it made me uneasy.  Did he see something on the scans or was he just saying that because of what he saw on my arm?

I know I've said it before, but I just love my oncologist.  She is so personable, friendly and just makes you feel better.  My CT scans did indeed show new spots on my lungs.  She said that they are incredibly tiny, so tiny that she couldn't even see them and that she said is why they have radiologists, but she said that even 50% of radiologists probably would have missed them they are that tiny.  Since our lungs are like a filtration system, they catch a lot of stuff. So those super tiny spots could be because I'm sick or have allergies.  She didn't seem too worried to do anything just yet, but wants to monitor it instead.  In 3 months (end of January) I'll go back in for a CT scan and if the spots are gone (fingers crossed) great!  If they are still there, then I'll need to have a biopsy done to see if its cancerous.  I'm thankful that Brad comes with me to all my appointments.  The last couple of years these appointments have been short with good news, so I feel bad that he missed work for it.  But you never know when you'll get bad news, and it was comforting to have him by my side.

I also spoke to her about the pre-cancerous mole I just had surgery on and how frustrated/scared I was that I was that close to having cancer again.  I've been trying to be so good with sunscreen!  She told me it probably won't be the last time I'll get it.  I'll always have to be vigilant, she commended me on how diligent I am about seeing my dermatologist regularly, that they caught this early and to keep it up. But due to my genetic pre-dispossession that I'll probably keep getting them again and again, and with each time say "damnit" and move past it and keep living life.

So for now I'm going to enjoy the holiday season and then come January I'm sure I won't be able to avoid the anxiety, till I know the results, but I'm going to try.